Saturday, June 02, 2007

How to Change Your Oil & Flies

Women:

1. Pull up to Mr. Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Men:

1. Go to NAPA auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to NAPA to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to bar and buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on bumper in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1982).

32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.

40. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.



Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females." he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."



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17 Comments:

Blogger Merle said...

Hi Raggedy ~ Nice to see you posting. The jokes are great, one for the boys, and one for the girls --
seems fair.
I hope your procedure goes well on Monday - will be thinking of you; and definitely sending good vibes your way Raggedy. Take care, Love, Merle.

June 02, 2007 6:43 AM  
Blogger Jo said...

Ohhhhh my how true on the man's behalf 1 or 2 slabs for sure

I think i need RACV car roadside assistance.. i would be stuck if i had a flat tyre.

Oh my Oh my oh my

June 02, 2007 6:46 AM  
Blogger Jeanette said...

Hi Raggedy
Great Jokes and cartoons .Good luck for your Procedure on Monday I hope all goes well, Sending big (((HUGS)))your way, Take Care

June 02, 2007 8:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm passing these on - too funny.
Hope all is well.
Frances

June 02, 2007 9:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol :)
so funny that I'm going add your link to my blog okay :)

June 02, 2007 9:42 AM  
Blogger Vickie said...

Thanks for the smiles this Saturday morning---A smile is always good and I am especially needing a few---Take care of YOU and how about doing something real special for you--I'll be thinking of you Monday for your procedure and sending you special thoughts and lots of hugs.

Take care Cool ONE :)

June 02, 2007 9:53 AM  
Blogger Marilyn said...

Wow, that whole oil change thing was educational. I was thinking of learning to do this, but maybe I'll pass. I can't afford the beer.

June 02, 2007 11:18 AM  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

You funny, Raggedy!

June 02, 2007 2:15 PM  
Blogger Jim said...

Hi Raggedy -- Are all your Friday Feast items true? I'm glad you're a vet, thanks. I am too.

Your fillet and lobster tail look sooooo good. That was our best honeymoon meal, at The Old San Francisco Steak House in San Antonio.

I used to change oil in our cars until I got to feeling too old to do that. I still do it for the 1950 Ford.

Hang in there with your procedures. I'm been praying for you a long time and will continue.
..

June 02, 2007 8:11 PM  
Blogger Peter said...

Hi Raggedy, good jokes (the first one WAS a joke wasn't it?) sorry to read you have been having medical problems.. get well.

June 02, 2007 8:24 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Men often do make things harder than they need to be. We females just want to get the job done quickly and without messing up our hair or nails. :-)

My hubby laughs at me when I use the fly swatter.
I usually miss the fly my first couple of tries and end up chasing it around waiting for it to land again.

June 02, 2007 9:46 PM  
Blogger Walker said...

LOL
I take the car to the garage for them to change the oil while i sit in the bar having a beer. ;)

Love the last one.

You come back soon you here

June 03, 2007 12:44 AM  
Blogger OldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL...Good ones, my dear...

You Take Very Very good care, Raggedy....I will be thinking of you on Monday and prayers will be sent your way...!
Get back here ASAP...We all don't like it whewn you are away, my dear.

June 03, 2007 2:10 AM  
Blogger jules said...

OMG the oil one was SOOO true. Best of luck on Monday.

June 03, 2007 9:16 AM  
Blogger Lois Lane said...

Hysterically funny and sadly true! Happy Sunday!

June 03, 2007 10:35 AM  
Blogger Leann said...

you must have have met my son in law!!!all but the beer he dont drink.yah jiffy lub is much better and the hole in the back yard stay clean.and half the cats in the country dont die from drinking oily water.
its funny how men can complcate things so.
sorry to hear you been having a hard time.Ill keep you in my prayers.
"I am the God that healeth thee."Gods word is full of healing.(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))
God bless you and carry you in the safety of his hand tell your 100% well again.

June 03, 2007 3:13 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

This blog is very good and efficient with what it does. You give detailed explanations on your posts which make people to understand so much about this topic.
Inland 704 silicone diffusion pump oil

July 25, 2013 5:35 AM  

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