Saturday, June 24, 2006

Monsignor Advice

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.~ Michael Pritchard

There a few jokes that I have had for years. Friends will mail me and ask me for them. Apparently something they will read will remind them of something I sent them a long time ago. I then have to search for them on my computer and erm, umm, I have a lot of jokes. I decided to post the most asked for of these documents to my site so I don't have to keep sending them out. Yes, I am laughing. I will post the most requested first.

Monsignor Advice

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, take
this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say eat me.

12.The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.


Friday, June 23, 2006

You've Got Mail

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I made?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will find out anyway!"

Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo and I fixed up a date, via e-mail, with your Mum and we met at a online chat-cafe. From there we went into a private chat room.

I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little Pop-Up appeared which said:

"You've Got Male!"

I enjoyed the movie You've Got Mail starring Meg and Tom.


Thursday, June 22, 2006

Thursday Thirteen (3rd)

Thirteen Fun Things to do at your Psychiatrist or Psychologist Sessions

1. Ask to borrow his comb then comb your tongue.

2. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.

3. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"

4. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"

5. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.

6. Scream every word.

7. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.

8. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.

9. Eat his books.

10. Talk really slowly.

11. When he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.

12. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.

13. Offer him an imaginary biscuit.

The Bonus fun things:

Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.

Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.

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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Happy Birthday Timothy 2006

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. ~Clara Ortega

Timothy and a new coat.

Timothy and Tommy Mac.

As I look back on the years, I realize that Timothy was my first baby.
I am so much older than my baby brother that I am able to remember the day my parents brought him home, his first steps, his first smile, and his loving and gentle nature.

I realize there have been so many times when my heart has been touched by his laughter and joy…

Timothy showing me a car.

Something he would say or a word he would make up would brighten my days and lighten my heart. He made his own words and some of them were better than words that already exist. I remember flooshing.” Look at that bird that went flooshing by!” I think it was a combination of flying and swooshing. It was a good word.

There were so many times, when his wide open arms and soft gentle smile, helped ease all my troubles away. His laugh when I warmed his Giraffe’s nose on a lamp and kissed him goodnight melted my heart.

Timothy at one of my horse shows.
Timothy and Dan

It was very difficult to leave Timothy when I joined the Air Force. I have never stopped missing him. I am proud of him! I love him with all of my heart.

Timothy and Puma.

Timothy and my Dad. They both have a love for boating.

Timothy has become a great man. He gave me an awesome sister when he married. I love them both very much. It does not seem to matter how old he gets, he will always be my baby brother.

Dear Timothy & Heather,
Thank you for making such a beautiful difference in my many times.

Timothy Christmas 2003.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Tuesday June 20, 2006

“In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart.”~ Gandhi

Monday, June 19, 2006

Blue Monday

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.-Carl Jung

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Happy Father’s Day (2006)

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world. ~Author Unknown

Dear Dad,

I love you with all of my heart.
I am blessed to have you in my life.
You are the wind beneath my wings.

I hold our past. I keep all of the loving memories. I smile at the wonderful thoughts that pass through my mind. There are very few days when a thought of you does not cross my mind. I love you deeply and always.

As a little girl I loved to watch you. You captivated me. I was drawn to you like a magnet. I followed you around. I watched and learned. If I gave you a smile, you gave one right back. I could feel the warmth from your beautiful blue eyes. You looked at me with so much love. I could read the deep love on your face. I could hear the depth of your love in your voice as you spoke to me. You have a strong inner beauty and strength. You have grace and tenderness. Many times we did not use words to communicate. We were choreographed and moving to the sound of our hearts. We were in perfect harmony with one another. We laughed together. We enjoyed life together. I never grew tired of being with you. I loved your presence. I still remember how I felt when your arm stretched back across the seat of the car to give me a head rub.

You are a generous man. You are giving and loving. You made so much happen. You did that for all of your children, not just me. This is my experience. I saw you split your time. You were attentive to all of us. I don’t know how you did it. You worked so hard to meet my needs. You met more than my needs you went above and beyond to wants. You listened carefully, you paid attention and knew exactly what I wanted and needed.

You appreciate good craftsmanship. You will not give your money for things cheap and poorly made. You are a wise man. You gave your time and love to your family. You are a thoughtful and caring man. You always made everything better for us. You put us first. When summer came we went camping. You came on weekends and left for work during the week while we played. I missed you.

I learned so much from you. You are disciplined and responsible. You have good character. You have good ethics. You are a fair man. You are fun. You were always up front. You meant what you said and said what you meant. It was so clear. “Go pick up the sticks in the yard so Mark and I can mow.”

I was raised with love. I was safe and happy. I was cared for. There was a great man behind all that. You made that happen. That means a lot to me. Thanks again Dad. When I was fearful you held me. When I was naughty you corrected me. When I was successful you showed your pride. When I was hurt you made it better. You took care of me.

I am the little girl who remembers:

The pretty girl dresses you bought me every Easter
Listening to the sound of your voice
Listening to your sermons
Sitting on your lap for a story
You teaching me the word of God
Your chant “Up the stairs, goes the bears”
You tucking me in bed at night and saying our prayers
You pushing me on a swing
Your eloquent words at our mealtime prayers
Watching out the window when you had to depart
Watching out the window for your return
Watching you shave
The smell of the glue for your hair
Your metal comb
The white bottle with the ship on it
The way you coiled your belt in your drawer
Getting my lunch money from the wood tray in your dresser
Building the dog house
Adding a light bulb to the dog house when you were worried about the cold
Your pain when we lost Jingles
Your pain when we lost Robrick
Walking hand in hand with you along the Potomac
You watching me ride my big red tricycle
Trying to walk on stilts that you made me
Flying a kite with you at the school in Paoli
The red boat
Learning how to swim with your guidance
Your head rubs
Your hugs
Watching a sunrise with you
Watching a sunset with you
You reading to me
You singing the low part of North to Alaska in the car
The riding lessons you paid for
Buying my pony Chip
Giving me a puppy I named Sham
You coming to my dog shows to watch us perform
Paying for my guitar lessons
Taking you for a ride in the buggy behind Chip
Watching me perform in my horse shows
You taking me camping
Building platforms for our tents
The sea ray
The hurricane in Avalon and how worried you were
Watching you replace screens in the doors in Avalon
Washing the salt out of the motors at seasons end
Scraping barnacles
Catching a flounder
Catching crabs
Lobsters boiling in a pot
Boat lights for lamps on the wall in Avalon
The arrival of Thomas the cat from your client
Trips to the city with you
Pennypackers and pixie sticks
You watching me dive from the high dive
You taking me to amusement parks
You taking me snow skiing and teaching me to ski
You buying my Rossignol skis and great boots
Your black Head skis before your Rossignol skis
You putting a fin on my ski to slalom
You taking me water skiing and teaching me to ski
You giving me the sunfish and teaching me to sail
Coiling the ropes on the sailboat
You picking me up in your arms and taking me to the hospital when I had a nose bleed that would not stop
An Einstein bust you brought home to share with us
Playing tennis with you
Washing the cars with you
Handing you the damp rag to wipe the cat prints off the car
Rubbing compound
Tar remover for the chrome
The chlorinator
Painting the basement floor red
Wallpapering the house
Making sure all the red things on the wallpaper lined up
Putting up the chipboard in the foyer
Putting up the mural and half paneling in the dining room
Wrapping bricks in foil for Christmas
Standing in the closet waiting for the film to develop
Enlarging pictures and moving them from bath to bath
Watching me sing in the choir
Sending me to bible camp and summer camps
My first communion and how proud you were
Listening to classical music and identifying the instruments
Following classical music with sheet music
Listening to me play my flute
You dusting the roses
Raking leaves
Pruning the bushes
My Ethan Allen furniture
Choosing the color for my walls and a rug in my room
Helping me paint and laying the carpet
Combing the tangles from my beautiful sisters hair
You held me when I got my finger stuck in the swing set
We watched my nail turn black and fall off
A doll from Germany
A doll from Spain
A gazelle
A cuckoo clock
A color organ and Indagodadavida, baby by iron butterfly
A slide ruler tucked in the door pocket of the car
Checkers and chess
Shining your shoes
Picking your tie
Sitting in the dogwood tree watching you mow
Pulling weeds from the rocks in Avalon
Taking a Sunday drive to an airport to watch the planes
You pulling ticks from the dog with pliers with care
You fixing my bike
You putting air in my tires and raising the seat as I grew
Taking walks
Sorting checks
A yellow Volkswagen
You teaching me to drive
Picking apples at the orchard
Picking out and cutting down a chosen Christmas tree
That Santa liked fruit cake not cookies
How hard I tried to be responsible with all you gave
How proud you were of me
Your glow and your smile
Your warmth and generosity
Your laugh
Your upbeat and positive attitude
Your appreciation of music, art and beautiful things

There are so many more that are not on this list. I can think of one hundred or more. For every moment on this list I could write at least a page on each and every one of them.

You woke up quietly, gentle, careful not to disturb anyone in slumber. You were thoughtful and considerate. You showered and shaved and dressed. You spoke to me in a hushed voice. I handed you a different tie. You made the coffee. I made the toast. We sat in the kitchen. You had your coffee and toast. You let me dip my toast in your coffee. It was good. You planted a kiss on my forehead when you had to leave for work.

You let me choose color and carpet for my room. I learned a color you like on a paper can look like hell on a wall. My room was the one with the bright orange walls. My shag carpet was dark blue with orange spots in it. You should have said: “Why don’t you think a little more about your choice of color?” Maybe you did not know because of your color disability. After living in my room I learned to love it. You bought me beautiful Ethan Allen furniture. A large stuffed Panda Bear sat on a white chair in my room. You bought me that bear on one of our many trips to the city.Thanks Dad.

I am so moved by you and still am to this day. You take great care in all that you do. You think of everything. Your knowledge is endless. You are intelligent. You were by my side always. You are on my side always. You are with me always in thought and spirit in all that I am and will become. I aspire to be like you in life and love.

I watched. I lived. I learned. I grew. I grew with a loving guidance that is indescribable. My life is wonderful from the experience of being a part of your life and I am grateful.

As a grown woman I see the horrific pain from the loss of your daughter Sruti. We all miss her so very much. I see her in every rainbow. She was too young to leave us. I feel a deep longing to see Sruti’s beautiful face and smile. I loved the animation in her movements and her tone. I remember her warm and loving nature. I treasure the memories we shared. She is proud of you Dad, like me.

I love your mind and the way it works. I love the thoughts you share with me. I feel blessed to have had your loving instruction and support throughout my life. I am in the presence of greatness and I know it. I appreciate your honesty. I enjoy our genuine relating. It is a very hard thing to find.

Thank you for taking me with you through the journey we call life.
You are my touchstone in life.
Thank you Dad for loving me
Thank you Dad for your support of me
Thank you Dad for making me laugh
Thank you Dad for easing my pain
I love you so deeply.
I am proud to be your daughter

All my Love

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 2.5 License. It's a Raggedy Life