Saturday, June 03, 2006

To: My friends across the pond


The amount of consonants in the English language is constant. If not used in one area of the United States, they turn up in another. When a man in Boston "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a man in Texas to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."






I am posting this for my friends who speak and read more than just the English language. If you can speak three languages you're trilingual. If you can speak two languages you're bilingual. If you can speak only one language you're an American.

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. These are a few of the reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The purpose of farming is to produce produce.

2) The bandage was wound around the wound.

3) When our dumps get full they refuse more refuse.

4) We polish our Polish furniture.

5) The lead horse was lead from his pen.

6) I was so hot I decided to desert my dessert in the desert.

7) There is no time like the present. It is time to present the present.

8) The boy was playing the bass drum when his friend caught the bass.

9) When my dog got loose the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) They were too close to the door to close it.

13) A buck does funny things when the does are present.

14) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

15) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

16) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

17) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

18) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

19) I wrote two letters to my friend too.

20) Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

21) It is a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. ~Franklin P. Jones

22) At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. ~Marshall Lumsden

23) English is a funny language; that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway.


There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, no apple or pine in pineapple. Quicksand works slowly. Boxing rings are square. A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Writers write but fingers don't fing. Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? There is one goose and two geese but if there is one moose there are not two meese.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique language in which your house can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out.

English was invented by people, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. You can see when the stars are out. You can’t see when the lights are out.

Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

BTW, (by the way), my spell checker did not like this particular document. My spell check is aware of the words not the different enunciations of the same words.



For the Netherlands:
Deze hond, is hond, een hond, goede hond, manier hond, aan hond, houd hond, een hond, idiot hond, bezige hond, voor hond, hond 20, seconden hond! ... Lees nu zonder de woordhond.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Hugs and Knuffles

Love, Raggedy (Da Cat)

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Friday, June 02, 2006

Winnsboro


Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will.
~Author Unknown



The visits we made to Winnsboro, South Carolina, are kept safe in my heart. I reflect on them at times with awe. It is almost impossible to describe because it had so much to do with feelings and emotions. Feelings are difficult to put on paper.

The first thing was the welcome. I have never been anywhere in my life where I felt such an overwhelming feeling of being welcome. It was on their faces, in the brightness of their eyes, smiles, and warm hugs. No one has ever greeted me with such enthusiasm, warmth, and affection. I could feel deep inside my heart how happy they were to see me! This indescribable electricity filled the air around us. My Grandparents were always waiting and watching out the window for our car to arrive. They came out to greet us with this unbelievable joy and happiness. My Grandma in her dramatic manner would go on about how I have grown! Sometimes her hugs were so fierce that they actually hurt. I would never complain it was alright. The greetings lasted a long time. What a wonderful place to be. I was folded into a blanket woven from love. It was a warm and fuzzy place to be.

My Grandpa asked me if I liked chicken. Oh, yes was my reply especially Kentucky Fried Chicken. My Grandpa told me how lucky I was to be in this house tonight because he was going to make it. My Grandpa and Colonel Sanders were great friends! The Colonel himself entrusted my Grandpa with that secret recipe! That was the best fried chicken I ever had! I was sitting at the kitchen table. I had to hide my eyes while the secret ingredients were added. My Grandpa sure was friends with a lot of people. He had a wonderful smile and laugh and I can still picture him in my mind. He told jokes that we were not supposed to hear and they were funny. I can still remember some of them. These jokes were not politically correct , they can’t be repeated , but I can still laugh inside when I think of them. It would be a grand idea to add the word Engelbert Humperdinck to all of the spelling lists to ensure entrance into heaven for all. Grandpa’s lap was a special place. I enjoyed sitting with him as he read me a story.

Behind the couch was the front window. FiFi’s, the poodle, favorite place to be was on the back of that couch looking out the window. She was a yappy little thing but fun to play with. After FiFi passed there was GiGi but they seemed so much alike to me other than their color.

My Grandmother was funny and witty. We played a lot of games together. It was difficult to play with her because I had so much trouble remembering the rules. They seemed to change every other hand in rummy. Every time I finally thought I had it down, by golly, they would change again. I am laughing now. At the time I was very confused. She was a good rummy player. She beat the tar out of me every game! The other game we loved to play together was caroms.

Grandma was sitting on the couch. Many things with Grandma were non verbal she did not need words to communicate. My Dad could do this also, a look, a touch; a head rub said it all. Grandma pats the couch and I go over to sit by her. Her arms enfold me and she tells me how much she loves me. I tell her I love her too. On her right wrist is a large silver bracelet full of charms. The bracelet jingled when she moved her hand. I asked her about the bracelet. I liked the way it sounded. She laid her hand in my lap and began lifting the charms. She told me how special this bracelet was. Each charm was engraved with the names and dates of her Children’s births and those of all her Grandchildren. She told me how lucky she was. I could hear the pride in her voice and tone. I could see the great love she had for us inside her. She came to a charm and put it between my fingers and said this is you. This name and this day mean the world to me. I will always remember you and love you. This was one of my most tender memories of my Grandmother. Most of our time was spent laughing, playing and having fun. Life was not very serious business to my Grandma it was just plain fun! She made a mission or game of almost anything. I raced my brother to see which one of us could collect the most pecans that had fallen from the tree. A simple walk to the Piggly Wiggly or Five and Dime was and adventure if you were with Grandma. My Grandmother did not have an aura of color around her she had an aura of happiness. How wonderful to be in the company of one so thrilled and happy with life! Her happiness infected you with joy and that was a wonderful place to be!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

For the Dads

“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” ~Jim Bishop

PART I


Date my Daughter Application

(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)

NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_____________ DATE OF BIRTH: ________

2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: ________________________________

7. Number of years parents married: ___________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)

9. In 50 words or less, what does “Late” mean to you? ________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does “DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? ________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you? ___________________________

12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________

14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone - I promise):

A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________

C. A women’s place is in the __________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________

E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to “E” begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________

16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).

PART II

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.

If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

In order for us to get to know each other, we do not need to talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.

If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin.

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only a few of them, for crying out loud!


And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with these simple rules?

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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

John O'Reilly


As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.~Irish

In Ireland an Irish pub is at the heart of social life. The pub is where the community gathers. A true Irish pub is distinguished by its “craic,” and Irish term referring to positive interaction among people through conversation, stories, and music.

Last Friday the pub was giving out a prize for the best toast of the night. The winner of the evening was John O’Reilly when he hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

He returned home to his wife Mary and told her that he won first prize for the best toast of the evening. Mary said, “Aye did ye now. And what was your toast?” John O’Reilly was so caught up in his excitement he did not think Mary would ask him what his toast was. John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." Mary said, "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"

On Saturday Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies, Brian, at the bakery. Brian chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” Mary said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a wee surprised meeself. You know ees only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ear to make him come.”

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A Box








A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving

We just got a box from the post yesterday! My mother, Rachel, sent us some gifts from her recent travel to Florida.

Joe nick named her Zattie years ago when we lived with her and the name was cute and catchy. Joe still calls his very special Grandmother, Zattie!

Jaycee was so excited to talk with my Mum when she called over the weekend. Mum must have been on hew way out the door when she phoned. Jaycee answered the phone, the phone got passed to Joe, and the next thing I know Joe said goodbye. She didn't even talk to me! She was just letting us know a box was on the way. The call ended quickly and Jaycee was not done talking to her. She was screaming that she wanted the phone back so she could talk to her Grandma! I wan MY Gamma on da foon! Qweeze! Please turned into NOW! We gave her a real telephone a long time ago to play with. She winged the play telephone across the room when we refused to give her the real one to talk to Gamma. This earned her some time again behind the gate in the living room. The big tears, tantrum and crying ensued. I have a friend who told me she found a good use for the tantrum tots. When they are in full tantrum mode, spray them with some pledge and place them on a floor you need dusting, they make a great mop.


The box she sent was full of treasures. I love my new cat bag, turtle, and the moving red crab.


Larry put his Manatee on top of his computer monitor.



Jaycee got a really soft Manatee plush purse with a finger puppet frog and a little fish with bath gel inside it.


Joe got a really nice T-Shirt that will turn colors in the light.

The most wonderful thing in the box was the collection of shells. This brought many memories flooding back.



I can picture my Mum walking along that beach and her excitement at each and every find.




I remember as a child the many trips to the beach and our hunt for shells. My Mum loved finding them as much as we did. We inspected them carefully and talked about them. We liked the way they looked and felt. We held the conch shells to our ears to hear the ocean.

In my Mothers house there is always a spot, glass bowl, dish, or doily that has shells laying on or in them.


Time goes by so fast. It is hard to believe that the last time we saw my Mum and the last time she held our children was in November of 2002.

Thank you for the box!
We Love You!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Alphabet Soup



The rules for this game are: You take your assigned letter and then write 10 words that start with that letter and explain why they are important to you. Poopie wasted no time in granting me the letter C. Let the (word) games begin! Head on over to poop happens to get your letter! See that list over there on the right under links? Just click poop happens and you will be there in a jiffy.

Heck with tip toe through the tulips.
Come cartwheel ‘cross clover.

Heck is the place where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

C’mon, congregate, chirp, chuckle, cajole.
Consume chocolate, cake, cookies,candy.
Cuddle.
Clap.
Call co-workers, conductors, chaplains, colonels, companions, captains, classemates, cousins.
Clip colorful carnations.
Clip chrysanthemums.
Create celebration cause C can cheer!
C can charm.

Christ… will have to be at the top of the list here, can’t think of any word more important in my life than that one.

Children... The most important people in my life are my children. I love them so much! They have brought the light to my life and so much more.

Carolyn… She is my Mom and takes good care of my Dad. As soon I saw the C, well, she is pretty dern important to me.

Calm…How I feel when watching the sunrises and sunsets, looking out at the ocean waves rolling in and out, walking on a mountain trail in the woods, skipping a stone into a creek, feeling the wind on my face when I sail with my Dad, and last but not least when the children finally go to bed at night.

Coffee... I just can’t make it through a day without it. In the morning I add cream.

Cantaloupe (can't-elope)... Cause I am already married. I love Cunundrums!

Chili… My family loves my homemade chili. Thinking of food, I sure miss Maryland crab cakes and Maryland Blue crabs. Cornbread…I make homemade cornbread to go with the above said chili. I love to cook. Crock pots are useful for chili. I love cheese.

Crap…A word, explicative, that I am trying to remove from my Sons verbiage.

Coronary…Words that fly out of my husbands mouth in times of stress as in: “You are going to give me a heart attack!”

Climax... speaks for itself… nuff said

Monday, May 29, 2006

Memorial Day 2006

All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope. ~Winston Churchill


The patriot's blood is the seed of Freedom's tree. ~Thomas Campbell

“In memory of those who served, all gave some, some gave all.”~unknown


Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland


In Loving Memory of Ron, We miss you!
Ronald R. Coleman, 75, died Monday, Jan. 17, 2005, at Manor Care Nursing Home. Born March 3, 1929, in Beaver, he was the son of the late Robert and Mary Coleman and was a retired Army major. His burial was in Arlington National Cemetery.



Memorial Day is a United States federal holiday that is observed on the last Monday of May (scheduled next for May 29, 2006). It was formerly known as Decoration Day. This holiday commemorates U.S. men and women who died in military service for their country. It began first to honor Union soldiers who died during the American Civil War. After World War I, it expanded to include those who died in any war or military action. ~ Wikipedia

"...gather around their sacred remains and garland the passionless mounds above them with choicest flowers of springtime....let us in this solemn presence renew our pledges to aid and assist those whom they have left among us as sacred charges upon the Nation's gratitude,--the soldier's and sailor's widow and orphan." ~General John Logan


These heroes are dead. They died for liberty - they died for us. They are at rest. They sleep in the land they made free, under the flag they rendered stainless, and under the solemn pines, the sad hemlocks, the tearful willows, and the embracing vines. They sleep beneath the shadows of the clouds, careless alike of sunshine or of storm, each in the windowless Place of Rest. Earth may run red with other wars - they are at peace. In the midst of battle, in the roar of conflict, they found the serenity of death. I have one sentiment for soldiers living and dead: cheers for the living; tears for the dead. ~Robert G. Ingersoll

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Sunday May 28, 2006

Comfort

When your heart is sad and lonely,
And your friends seem far away,
Turn to Him Who is holy,
And He'll drive your cares away.

Copyright © 2006- 2015 It’s a Raggedy Life. All rights reserved.

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 2.5 License. It's a Raggedy Life