Keep Those Hair Appointments

Raggedy is still sickady. Ol' Hoss rides to the rescue.

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This lady is walking down the street when she is accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman, who asks for a couple of dollars for dinner. Our heroine took out her wallet, extracted $10, and said, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman said.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?"

The homeless woman replied, "No, I don't waste my time shopping. I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the homeless woman was asked.

"Are you nuts!" said the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years."

Our questioner then said, "Well, I'm not going to give you any money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

"That's okay," the woman said. "It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

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Feelgood Haines tells me he met an older woman at a bar last night.

"She was okay for 57. We drank a bit, had a bit of song and she asked if I'd ever had a sportsman's double -- a mother and daughter threesome.

"I said no," Feelgood says. "Well, we drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.

"So she and I go to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, 'Mom! You still awake?'"