Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Seniors

An old man can see backward better than a young one can see forward. ~proverb

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I am clearing out some files so this is a tad long...
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The Senior's Breakfast Special


We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Senior's Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two-dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.


"YES!!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.


DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
They have been around the block more than once.
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Three Old Ladies
Three old ladies were discussing the trials and tribulations of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"



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Grandma & Grandpa Televison Evangelist

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the bodypart where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"
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The Viewing

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
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May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.~irish proverb

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15 Comments:

Blogger Jim said...

Hi Rageddy -- Those are wonderful stories. I can relate to a few but I don't have many of those problems (yet).
Thanks for the visit and your comment about the Red Bud trees. They don't last long but we sure do like them while they're here.
Also, I sure can't get away with linking to you without getting caught. I hope you saw my March 2 post giving you credit for pointing out that 107 year old blogger. Maybe she does a few of your 'senior things' detailed here?
Thanks again.
..

March 13, 2007 12:00 AM  
Blogger OldLady Of The Hills said...

Very Funny, my dear...and yet....OY! Some things here though funny have quite a lot of truth to them....The going upstairs and not remembering where you were going....! OY! I cannot tell you how many times I might go from the kitchen to the bedroom, ir vica versa, and not remember what I went in there for! LOL!
I've always loved the one where the guy knocks on wood...I've always heard the punchline this way...He knocks on wood...and says, "Come in!" LOL!

March 13, 2007 12:12 AM  
Blogger Meow (aka Connie) said...

An awesome collection of funnies, dear Raggedy One.
Hope you are well.
Have a fabulous week.
Take care, Meow

March 13, 2007 5:23 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

The jokes are a hoot! I'm going to copy them and send to my mom; she and Dad will get a kick out of them. If there's one thing I've learned is not to mess with seniors.

Have a wonderful day!
Love & hugs,
Karen

March 13, 2007 9:00 AM  
Blogger Peter said...

Hi Raggedy, good stories, I'm just catching up again but only for a while then I'll be off the air again for about a week.

March 13, 2007 11:29 AM  
Blogger TJ said...

what a good chuckle I've had this afternoon!!
:-D

March 13, 2007 1:07 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Now then, take me, for instance. I NEVER make fun of our wizened citizens, mostly on accounta I am one of them. And I am never funny or odd like that, so these are all lies, I reckon.

(BTW, when that guy finishes with the viewing, bury his penis 6 feet deep. It probably doesn't matter that he is still attached to it.)

March 13, 2007 5:33 PM  
Blogger Tawnya Shields said...

Those were good! Thanks for the chuckles! :o)~

March 13, 2007 6:26 PM  
Blogger Pear tree cottage! said...

Hello dear raggedy,
I just wanted to tell you you helped an old man today! lol lol lol

my hubby has been having trouble with the younger men who are our apprentices carpenters that work for us and hubby was just this morning telling me of his lack of ability at the moment to make them understand he knows more then them.......anyway when I read your first proverb about the old man can see backwards better..............

I phoned him and read it to him he said he was going to use that very proverb when he got to the job that and a few other words I cannot put in here lol lol lol.

I may not always post a comment but I do enjoy reading your posts always.
thank you for this lovely post.
lee-ann

March 13, 2007 7:53 PM  
Blogger Monica said...

Thank you for the laughs. :)

Have a great day. Yeah, it's Wednesday, I'm a day late...but have a great day TODAY, okay? :)

March 14, 2007 11:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL! I love that first one ... gotta remember it next time I try to order from the senior menu.

Oh wait ... I'm not QUITE there. Yet.
:)

((HUGS))

March 14, 2007 1:50 PM  
Blogger Leann said...

OMG its a good thing I went to the bathroom before I read your blog or I would have peed my pants laughing!!!!I love those jokes.I needed a good laugh.its been a looooong week.and its barely started.God bless happy st pattys day.

March 14, 2007 5:08 PM  
Blogger Hale McKay said...

A long post - but a funny one.

March 14, 2007 6:26 PM  
Blogger Merle said...

Hi Raggedy ~~ Enjoyed all your jokes and had a good laugh. Thanks for that. Thanks for your visit, and I love te satin sheets. Take care, my friend, Love, Merle.

March 14, 2007 9:10 PM  
Blogger Jeanette said...

Hi Raggedy, Good collection of laughs,i will have the seniors breakfast served with 2 fresh eggs. Chuckle chuckle. (((hugs)))

March 15, 2007 4:57 AM  

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