Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Derrick and Dr. Phil


“Laughter is an interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.” ~Ambrose Bierce


PART ONE


Derrick went to the supermarket.
A beautiful woman walked up to him and said: "Hello!"



He is rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
Unable to resist he questions her: “Do you know me?”
“I think you are the father of one of my kids,” she says.

Now his mind travels back, to the one and only time he has ever been unfaithful.

Derrick says, “My god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I danced naked on the pool table with, while all my friends were watching and your partner whipped me with wet celery?”


She looks into his eyes and calmly said:” No, I’m your son’s math teacher!!”




PART TWO



By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show,
I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Vodka, a bottle of Kailua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a bag of truffles.

You have no idea how freaking great I feel.


18 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Raggedy ~~ Couple of great jokes there that made me laugh. Thanks for the comments. Glad you liked the jokes on my post. I have had enough sadness
for quite some time. Take care da cool
Raggedy one. Cheers, Merle.

September 13, 2006 4:12 AM  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Those are definite side-splitters!

September 13, 2006 6:05 AM  
Blogger Jeanette said...

Hi Raggedy
These jokes gave me a chuckle or should i say i laughed out loud . Take Care, Jan

September 13, 2006 6:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL! Well, I decided to go back and finish what I'd started 30 years ago...I finally married the guy after running out on him all those years ago! Thanks for the laughs!

September 13, 2006 8:05 AM  
Blogger Ralph said...

This post got my day started right. Thanks.
Ralph

September 13, 2006 9:17 AM  
Blogger Ed Bremson, MFA said...

Raggedy, you are definitely one of a kind. Great post.

September 13, 2006 9:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL! Thanks, Raggedy! I needed to start my day with a good laugh!

(hugs)

September 13, 2006 9:45 AM  
Blogger Shannon akaMonty said...

You have NO idea how much I needed that laugh today. :) Thanks.

xoxoxo

September 13, 2006 10:22 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

That was a hoot! What was that about the cheesecake?

Have a great day! *HUUUGS*

September 13, 2006 11:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great stuff to finish. But I'm afraid that would have finished me!

September 13, 2006 11:20 AM  
Blogger OldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL, LOL..Very good...Both of them! Poor Derrick....and Poor You! (I know it's just a joke, but....)

September 13, 2006 12:40 PM  
Blogger ~grey said...

hahahahahaha

Thanks for the laughs Raggedy!

thanks also for the hugs... you always know when one is needed!

HUGS BACK!!

by the way... that first picture.. of the store... "piggly Wiggly" is that really the name of a store??

September 13, 2006 12:55 PM  
Blogger Teresa said...

Those are great jokes. God bless Dr. Phil!

September 13, 2006 5:56 PM  
Blogger Walker said...

LMAO
Very funny
Now see what you did, i am looking at the scotch

Have a nice day

September 13, 2006 7:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are too funny. You crack me up!!

September 14, 2006 10:46 AM  
Blogger Cliff said...

Great jokes r. keep er up.

September 14, 2006 7:24 PM  
Blogger Hen Jen said...

Gosh, I am laughing so hard! Was the Derrick story a true story??
Part 2 was great too, being on a diet and all-it's sounding like a good plan.

Jenny in Ca
(homeiswhereyoustartfrom)

September 15, 2006 3:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

o me o my I have problems with Dr. Phil --RHS

September 15, 2006 11:01 PM  

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