Monsignor Advice

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.~ Michael Pritchard

There a few jokes that I have had for years. Friends will mail me and ask me for them. Apparently something they will read will remind them of something I sent them a long time ago. I then have to search for them on my computer and erm, umm, I have a lot of jokes. I decided to post the most asked for of these documents to my site so I don't have to keep sending them out. Yes, I am laughing. I will post the most requested first.


Monsignor Advice

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door.


1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, take
this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say eat me.

12.The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.